Fay, You Stubborn, Soggy Sow ...

August 24th, 2008 - The Storm That Just Wouldn't Leave Us Alone

This would have been a great morning to sleep in, but unfortunately we were booked on the very first flight out of Fort Lauderdale for our travel group. That meant we had to get up early again, grab breakfast in the Cathedral, and pack everything up in order to catch the 8:30AM charter bus back to the airport.

Ugh.

Have I mentioned how much I hate having other people make our travel arrangements for us?

To make matters worse I was dealing with a sudden visit from the Crohn Goblin.

That hoary bastard.

It goes without saying that I hardly ate anything at breakfast and that's a shame because they were serving crepes and that would have been a tasty end to our stay. But trust me when I tell you that there was no point in my trying to eat anything. Jay enjoyed a freshly made omelet and said it was pretty good ... I'll take his word for it.

We noticed something we thought was rip-roaringly funny while finishing up breakfast. Do you guys remember those weird, sludgy drinks that I mentioned in my earlier post about our first morning's breakfast? Apparently we weren't the only ones a little baffled by these items, but it never occurred to either of us to pull one off the buffet line, give it a hearty sniff, pound it back like an early morning cocktail shooter, and then put the empty glass back on the shelf for all the world to see.

Who was that woman and, please Gawd, promise me that she doesn't work in food service somewhere!

No time to ponder her manners, however; we had to get back upstairs and finish packing. We're old hands at this and within twenty minutes we were downstairs, had checked in with the grumpy tour operator waiting outside the bus, and had seen our luggage safely loaded into its underbelly. We then climbed aboard and proceeded to wait fifteen minutes past our scheduled departure time because some people were late and other people were suddenly worried that their luggage hadn't been loaded ... these people actually left the bus and went outside in search of their luggage to make sure it had made it safely to where it had been all along.

Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting around on other people?

Luckily it was a beautiful weather day ... figures doesn't it? The day we leave and Boca Raton finally gets its best weather in something like seven days. Our maniac bus driver made quick time getting us to the airport and then Jay and I demonstrated why were are the bane of travel companies everywhere. As we exited the bus we were told to line up along the curbside and the porters would unload the luggage and then take it inside for us. Jay and I moved away from the rest of the crowd because many of them were lighting up cancer sticks and then I spotted our garment bag and went over to nab it.

One of the travel agents tried to stop me and said, "The porter will take that inside for you; you don't need to worry about it."

I'm pretty sure that I just shook my head at her, but Jay swears that I actually bared my teeth and hissed. I don't know what really happened but I must have done something because she backed cautiously away and left me to my labors. I soon saw our suitcase emerge from the bus and by this time Jay understood, without my having said a word, exactly what I was trying to accomplish. He grabbed the suitcase and we were headed into the terminal to check in ahead of 148 other passengers by a margin of at least fifteen minutes.

Some people later said that they thought they had to wait; others said they just hadn't thought about grabbing their stuff and leaving; and a few people actually said since the porters had been prepaid they were going to make sure that someone carried their luggage in for them.

I don't like to wait and I especially don't like to wait for others to do something for me that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself ... or that my lovey husband can do for me 'cause there was no way I was going to be able to carry much of anything with the way my back was feeling. My goal was to get through the check-in process (and it was just as annoying on this day as it had been on Friday) and clear security as quickly as possible so that we could settle in for a good sit at the gate where I could have some water, take a pain pill, and stretch out for a bit before cramming into the plane.

My dear hubby actually found a coffee shop near the gate and he bought me a latte, some water, and a tasty croissant to wash down that lovely darvocet. Once the muscles and joints started easing up I noticed the televisions in the terminal were all tuned to The Weather Channel ... oh Nelly, that can't be a good thing!

All we could see was a big green blob of precipitation swirling over the entire effing state of Georgia, which unfortunately was exactly where our first flight was headed. Well, since we can't control the weather (yet) there was nothing to do but dig out that sense of humor and keep the mild narcotics close at hand. ;-)

Having said that, it wasn't long before we were boarding our plane and then taking off on the first leg of what would turn out to be another long and interesting travel day. The silliness started with beverage / snack service. I declined food but gratefully accepted some water; the flight attendant was kind enough to let Jay have my package of snack peanuts which led us to another round of Jason is the Amazing Kreskin Peanut Guessing Guy. He guessed 20.5 peanuts on the first package and the result was 19.5; he guessed 18 peanuts for the second package and there were 18.5. Not too shabby for a sham mentalist!!!

The peanuts always lead Jay and I into a discussion of why the airlines even offer them as a snack any longer. It seems like everyone and their mother's third cousin twice removed is allergic to the little buggers - isn't exposure to peanut dust just as bad as being confronted with the dastardly legume itself? And what happens at 37,000 feet if a passenger suffers an allergic reaction? I always assume that people who have severe allergies are never far from their Epi-pens but what if they don't have one with them? It just seems to me that the airline would want to avoid potential deadly issues and would just stop serving those vacuum-sealed death packs to their sources of never-ending fee income ... uh, I mean passengers. ;-)

We speculated that perhaps Delta, being a Georgia-based airline, had some stake in providing peanuts as snackables for their passengers. But if that's the case, we felt like they should embrace their peanutie-ness They could order a new fleet of planes shaped like peanuts ... they could keep the leather seats supple with the careful and loving application of peanut oil ... they could perfume the cabin with eau de peanut. Snack options could include peanut infused water, peanut butter crackers, and peanut biscotti ... the possibilities are endless!

The flight itself was uneventful except for our snickering over the idea of flying in a Mr. Peanut-shaped plane. But did we ever have fun when it was time to touch down in Atlanta. We landed smoothly enough but as the pilot tried to slow down, the plane began to shake, rattle, and roll. And as he tried to make the turn from the runway to the cross-over area to taxi to our gate the plane started making horrible noises ... almost as if it were constipated and trying to expel a mammoth peanut-shaped blockage. The end ( ha ha ) result being that we came to a halt with the back-ass of the plane still on the runway and the front section half-turned on the cross-section. We sat out there for at least fifteen minutes without any kind of communication from the crew and all I could think of was that last Mega-Disaster episode we watched on the History Channel which just happened to be about runway incursions at major international airports resulting in fiery crashes and much human carnage.

Maybe there's some truth to the statement that ignorance is bliss.

It took another ten minutes of lurching and groaning for the poor plane to reach the gate and we never did find out what the issue was. I actually asked a flight attendant about it as we were de-planing and she smiled brightly and responded, "What problem?"

Ooooooo-kaaaaaaay ... maybe living in a state of perpetual denial is the only way she can stomach coming to work every day. I know all about that problem. ;-)

We couldn't help but notice that the skies in Atlanta were dark and stormy and after we made it to the appropriate terminal to catch our flight to St. Louis we watched a couple of storms roll through while waiting for the plane to show up. Long story short ... the plane did not arrive on time. But the most frustrating thing for us was that every time we checked the arrival / departure boards it showed that our flight was on time. I quesitoned a gate agent about that once the departure time for our flight had passed and we were still obviously sitting in the airport with no plane at the gate.

Gate attendant: "The flight is on time."

Me: "How can it be on time when it's 3:15PM and I'm standing here talking to you about a noticeable lack of plane?"

Gate attendant: "Weather disruptions do not qualify as delays; the flight is on time."

Me: "Wow - I've always wanted to travel in a time machine."

The plane showed up at 3:30PM ... thirty minutes after we were supposed to be in the air on our way home. But hey, at least it wasn't delayed. ;-)

As you've no doubt surmised, we did finally reach Stinktown and after a long wait for luggage fled the airport and arrived at Casa de J&B to find that our sump pump had massive heart failure in our absence; as a result, the basement flooded and made a soggy ruin of our carpet and we discovered that our cat does not like to wade through water to reach his litter box.

Jeeeeeeeez ... which deity did we piss off on this trip?

So final thoughts ... Jay's company was incredibly generous and we really did have a good time. The jury is still out on the resort because we just didn't get much time to explore - we never even saw the pool and couldn't find half of the restaurants that we were interested in. Our section of the hotel was noticeably more run down than other areas and that would have really irritated me if we'd been paying out of pocket to stay there. Overall, the resort property is lovely but I don't think this is a place that we'll be headed back to on our own ... too many other places that I think may be more reliable. Still, it was pretty cool to have a chance to stay there and experience the things we did ... as I said in another post: only five more years until we get to do it all again!