Conquering the World ... One Drink at a Time.

This is Hank Scorpio.



Hank is an evil genius who owns the mega-corporation Globex; his goal is to take over the world by any means necessary - preferably violent. But global domination is hard work, and even maniacal madmen need a break sometimes. Recently Hank and his wife took a vacation at, of all places, Walt Disney World where Hank did his best to relax.

This is the tale of what happens when an evil genius fixated on ruling the world visits Epcot.

Hank Scorpio ... Drink Another Day
-Guest Review by Robert P. of the DISboards

Background: Dreams, Goals, and Objectives.

Call them what you will, but we all have them, things we would to some day attain. People have had them throughout history. Even back in the Olden Times, when lions had riches, people had their dreams. Nowadays, the primary goal of Hank Scorpio is world domination. In the past, things were different. Aside from the usual sports fantasies of youth, one of my earliest dreams, coming from a small rural community with only one stoplight, and being a red blooded heterosexual male of 18 years of age, was to move to California and become a porn star (ask any red blooded heterosexual male from a small southern town what his dream is, and if he tells you anything different, ask him again, because he’s lying)! (Note: My high school guidance counselor was less than helpful in my quest for more information on this career path. Also, some counselors tend to drink heavily after fielding certain questions). After realizing that there isn’t much job turnover in that field, as the actors almost never leave that profession, I settled on more reachable goals and dreams. Bungee jumping, skydiving, etc… Bungee jumping got nixed, because as I got older, there is no way you were getting me off of that stable little platform. Skydiving, same thing, there is no way at my age I am jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. As time goes by, and the human body breaks down even more, I have had to adjust my dreams and goals downward a bit. But, one goal that is attainable at almost any age is Drinking Around Epcot. This report chronicles my experiences, taking this ‘tour’ of the alcoholic beverages available at the World Showcase in Epcot.

Planning: Nothing fancy, just do it. One thing I did have to decide beforehand was where to start, and where to finish (besides passed out on the sidewalk). The logical choices for most Epcot visitors would be to start at the ‘top’ of World Showcase, either Canada or Mexico, and work your way around. Coming in the ‘back door’, i.e. International Gateway, my best choices were to start in England or France. Since there was no way I was starting in France, as I was afraid I would have the sudden urge to ‘give up’ on the project, I chose England. Sorry, but the description of the French as ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’ still sticks in my mind, and I didn’t want to have my quest impacted by history, or by the tempting of fate.

Not being a huge beer drinker, I decided that wherever possible, the drink choices would be non-beer in nature. Some places, there were limited choices, but generally, the beer was a fall back in each country, if I had to resort to that option.

Training: I threw myself into training for this event, working my way up from an occasional glass of wine, to a whole pitcher of Sangria on the weekends. Okay, so truthfully there was no adjustment to my previous drinking routine, as I really like my weekend brunch Sangria(s). I just drank, but knew how much I could drink, so I had my own comfort level well established before this adventure began.

Launch: This event occurred on a March Monday. (A previous ill-fated voyage had to be abandoned last July, when my partners in crime wussed out due to the conditions. But in all fairness, 94-degree heat and 84% Florida humidity isn’t the best environment to try an adventure like this.) So, armed with a light breakfast and my first two Chasers (hangover product), I marched the team (me, and Mrs. Scorpio with her camera to record the event for posterity) through the back door of Epcot at 11:02 a.m., ready to rock and/or roll. The last words of advice came from Mrs. Scorpio, just as we crossed the top of the hill leading to England, she said “We have dinner plans at 6:00, so don’t screw that up!” Ah, the gentle words of encouragement……

Heading to England to begin my journey, I found that at 11:05 a.m., the outdoor beer stand was still closed, and while there was activity in the pub, I didn’t want to get tied up in there. So, fine, I’ll just walk more and start in Canada. 11:07 in Canada, and its a ghost town. Crickets chirping in the distance, not a cast member anywhere. Beer cart still covered up and locked down from the previous evening. Hmmmmm. It was quiet. Too quiet. Disturbed by my lack of success, I marched back to England. 11:10 a.m., no change there. Okay, damn it, I need to get this party started, because I didn’t have enough time to pull this off as it is, and the minutes are ticking away. Marching to France, I found the kiosk/stand thingy closed. On to Morocco, where at 11:23 a.m., I found a pleasant cast member in the counter service area who said in broken English that she could get me a drink, she just had to find the key. Off she goes. Two minutes later, she comes back with another cast member, who speaks much better English, and he says they can’t serve the drinks until 11:30 a.m. AHA! Maybe that’s it. Off I go, heading around the World. If memory served me correctly, I had gotten a margarita in Mexico before, right after the park opened. Regardless, I am tired of backtracking, so I’ll just scramble my plans, and start in Mexico.

As we approach Germany, Mrs. Scorpio’s cell phone rings. She answers it, and then sits down on a shady bench. That means it is not going to be a short conversation. I avail myself of the opportunity to explore Germany, and in the wine store, I find that they are open. Hot Damn! So, not wanting to lose more time, and having no idea how long she will be on the phone, I decided to get the ball rolling.

Display


Wine Descriptions


Germany – White Wine Flight – offers 2 ounce pours of 3 different white wines. German wine production is 80% white, so I went with the majority on this one. I wasn’t impressed with the first one, and it doesn’t help that I couldn’t pronounce the name. The Kabinett was nice, somewhat fruity. My favorite was the Spatlese. Not sure how much of the melon flavor I noticed, but it was smooth with a nice finish. If not for the arduous task ahead, I would have bought a bottle (or two) to take home with me. Summary: a fair value, if you like to sample different regional wines.

With Mrs. Scorpio finally off the phone, we split a pretzel, and proceeded with the planned visit to Mexico. As we passed the drink stand in China, they were bustling about, so I believe the 11:30 a.m. service time is the most plausible explanation for my inability to find service immediately after park opening.

The Amazing Technicolor Drink...


Mexico – Fiesta Margarita – resembling the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, this used to be an old standby for me while touring the World Showcase area. This trip, it reminded me of liquid Captain Crunch, mixed with Fruit Loops for color. Way too much sugary sweet syrup, and if there was tequila in there, I couldn’t find it, and I have a pretty good nose for tequila. I found this to be the perfect drink to induce an immediate ‘ice cream headache’ effect, as the frozen slush quickly melts in the Florida heat, and tries to ooze down the side of the cup. The obvious reaction to drink it before it melts works to prevent such oozing, but that technique instantly reminded me of what the damned hangover might feel like. My summary on this would be: frozen goodness, but overly sweet, with a side order of extreme ‘cold headache’ pain thrown in for good measure. The picture is a lower light zoom shot, with landscape and tourists in the background. I thought this was an ingenious setting for the picture, because moving it somewhere else would have meant I had to hold it longer in my hand, so more melting would have occurred, and I would have taken another quick sip, and another brain freeze headache would have hit me. Oucheeeee…….

(Angry Note: If they had opened the blasted tequila bar back in 2007 as they announced they would, it would have solved this sugary problem. I may not have left the bar to continue my around the World tour, but still, problem solved.)

Two drinks, no drinker?


Norway – Carlsberg Beer (draft) – Like Ralph Wiggum said during his Tethered Swimming (TS) class, “This doesn’t feel right”. Mrs. Scorpio even tried a sip, and had the comment “It’s Not Offensive”, which would become the catch phrase for the entire trip. I begged to differ though, and found it to be very offensive, and down right nasty. I would liken the taste to either:

a) Mt. Dew
b) Crab juice
c) Goat piss
d) All of the above

And the correct answer would be d) All of the above.

I actually theorize that the production process has someone giving a goat several drinks of Mt. Dew and crab juice, letting the goat process said liquids, then they capture the byproduct and put it in a keg. The bitter taste, and even more horrendous aftertaste, made me flash back to my first significant beer experience in the 1980’s, a night of drunken debauchery involving Hamm’s, Busch Light, and the dreaded Old Style (anyone else remember the slogan “Brewed in God’s Country”). I am probably incorrect on my preparation theory for the Carlsberg, but only because I don’t think you could make a goat drink Mt. Dew in the first place. Yuck. Worst beer ever!

The above picture is a pairing of the fiesta margarita and the Carlsberg (in a generic red cup). I stayed away from the intense rail setting, and paired these two on an elevated platform (the trashcan), with several prominent background structures to capture the viewer’s attention. Also, instead of landscape flowers, this has riparian undertones. And no, despite the proximity and the mighty temptation, I did not throw the Carlsberg in the trashcan.

Finally, something good!


China – Oolong peach schnapps tea – a newfound flavor experience, I’ve been hooked on this since 2007. Cool, icy, and not too heavy on the booze. A refreshing way to beat the heat, and get drunk at the same time, all while maintaining a reasonable pace. For the picture, I again used a trashcan, but I felt the orange blob in the cup, no matter how tasty, needed some background help. So, I focused beyond the drink, to the trees, water, and a sign whose name I cannot pronounce. Summary: drinking can be educational, as well as fun. (Note: by this time, I was feeling no pain, and the tree in the background reminded me of a bonsai tree. That reminded me of the Karate kid movies, so for the next hour, I would sporadically utter “Wax on, wax off”).

We skipped Germany, as that was my first stop today, and as I was pacing myself. I could have stopped, and tried the red wine flight, but not knowing the extent of the challenges that lay ahead, I went straight to Italy.

Arm optional with all drinks in Italy


Italy – Italian Margarita – I start by proclaiming this to be my biggest mistake of the ‘tour’. I could have had Rosa Regale, or a nicely chilled Limoncello shot, but nooooooo, I had to have the damned margarita, albeit Italian style. The limoncello is no substitute for tequila (good or bad), and this was an acrid and syrupy tasting abomination, with the ‘margarita’ title attached to it. The heck with the name, I now call this Italian Pinesol, and vow never to knowingly drink that crap again. Again, my bad, and while I finished it to preserve the sanctity of the ‘tour’, it wasn’t a good thing. Notice the picture technique has changed again, and now the beverage has the country as a background. A good way to remember where the picture was taken. If you have a vivid imagination, you could say the woman on the left has found the World’s Largest Mixed Drink, and is taking a picture. Actually, she should have taken the picture of me, the World’s Biggest Moron for choosing this drink to represent Italy on the tour.

USA – Sam Adams – after the Italy experience, I needed to either get my stomach pumped, or ingest something in refreshing liquid form. I briefly considered Ipecac, but with the few options at the USA pavilion, my choices were limited. The Sam Adams beer hit the spot, and prevented me from getting pukey after drinking my Italian Pinesol. (I did not take a picture of the standard red cup the Sam Adams was served in, so you have to use your imagination, of insert your own favorite red cup photo here).

Blog host & hostess favorite red plastic cup...


Drinking in the Far East ...


Japan – plum wine – At first, I couldn’t figure out why I was being attacked by a squadron of hummingbirds immediately after sitting down with my tray of plum wine and Japanese counter service food, but one sip gave me the answer. The plum wine is some kind of energy enriched hummingbird nectar, and by gollies, the hummingbirds wanted to fight me for it. I can’t say I blame them, as it tasted like someone combined sugar, Splenda, honey, Sweet-n-Lo, then added some plum flavored dry Koolaid powder, and mixed it all up. This concoction sucked every last bit of water out of my system, and I felt myself shriveling up like the evil guy in the Third installment of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I kept repeating to myself ‘you have chosen poorly”. In the tableside photo, you can make out the plum wine, what was left of the Sam Adams, an elbow, the just-before-backwash portion of my Diet Coke, and a nice combo meal from the counter service. The food was quite good here, especially for the price, but didn’t pair well with the plum wine. In fairness, I’m not sure what would, except maybe two gallons of cold water to re-hydrate my system.

Next time please include a Fez!


Morocco – Now badly dehydrated, and feeling not unlike a California Raisin, even after numerous visits to water fountains (or ‘bubblers’ for our Yankee friends out there), we arrived in Morocco. Not wanting to waste time in the counter service line, I hit the convenient little stand out front, and drunkenly referencing a recent episode of SouthPark, I had to get the Sultan’s Colada. Apparently, the Sultan really just likes Pina Coladas, with almond liqueur mixed in. I could really taste the almond a lot more than the Pina Colada part, but overall, this beverage was not offensive. Not very original though, so I guess the Sultan’s bartender was not a free-thinking person. Kind of like taking an existing product, and sticking a clock on it. Summary: This drink was truly not offensive, but not very original either. The picture format changed again, and this time, there is no question where the drink came from.

With eight countries visited and only three countries to go, I had a ‘Pimp Down’ moment. We stopped in the shade, I sat down on something (either a wobbly bench or a small child, who knows??) and I tried to logically determine if I could continue on this mission. We had dinner plans that night for Bistro de Paris, arguably our nicest meal of the vacation, and I didn’t want to get sick by sampling too much of the World’s Fare (get it, World’s Fare…….okay, maybe it was funny just to me). I slowly and deliberately got my watch out of my pack, and realized that since it was only 2:00 p.m., that could be contributing to my feeling rather crappy at the moment. Regrouping from my drunken fogginess, I mentally bullet pointed my situation:

1 - I had just consumed 8 alcoholic beverages in less than 3.5 hours,
2 – Of those, 2 of them were just plain nasty, and another was literally pure sugar syrup,
3 – We have to be back here, in EPCOT, for a 6:00 p.m. dinner reservation,
4 – Mrs. Scorpio will likely beat my ass if I get sick, and somehow ruin her nice dinner plans.

Drunken logic prevailed, and we headed back to the hotel for a longer than expected rest, and to get changed for dinner. Since we were coming back later tonight, this still qualifies as drinking my way around EPCOT, as long as I get the other 3 countries knocked out before the park closes. The walk back to our hotel, directly into the sun, was painful, and I think the cloud of alcohol vapors evaporating from my skin gave at least one group of tourists a contact high.

After some rest, a shower, a change of clothes, and massive amounts of water, we headed back for our scheduled dinner, and to finish the loop at EPCOT. Upon re-entering the park, I immediately headed for Canada, to get a Labatts.

Canada – Labatts Light (draft) – the beverage cart outside Canada was out of Labatts and Moosehead, so I got the only thing they offered, a Labatts Light. It was fine. Reminded me of Natural Light, in a Canadian sort of way. Not bad, not great, just beer eh. No picture here, as it came in a red cup, so again, imagine a generic red cup photo, of your choosing.

Who doesn't like an alcoholic squishee?


France – Grey Goose Citron slush - Before heading inside for dinner, I stopped at the drink cart/kiosk thing, and chose the Grey Goose Citron slush. This is a very nice drink, smooth, cool, and refreshing. My only complaint is that the serving container is on the small side, and the way they pile it up above the rim of the cup, requires immediate sippage to prevent oozing. This caused another ‘ice cream brain freeze’ headache, and while I was doubled over in agony, wishing for death, a special guest landed on our table. It was our old friend Puss N Boots, who, in his best Antonio Banderas voice, proclaimed this drink to be ‘dreamy’. So, I have given this drink The First Annual Puss N Boots Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field of Excellence! This was the best drink of the day, and with only England (where I had planned on having a Bass Ale) remaining, I had sampled enough to know that this was the clear winner. Puss soon left, I finished the drink, and we headed into the restaurant for dinner. I am very glad that I took the afternoon break during my Tour, because if we had tackled this drink right after Morocco, I probably would have asked Puss to take the picture, while I jumped up on the table. That wouldn’t have been good for anybody.

Picture not taken by the Scorpios...

England – Strongbow Cider – circumstances conspired to crash my touring plans, with only one country left to go. I had dispatched Mrs. Scorpio, to get us a table at our next stop after dinner, and she had the camera, as I expected to rush myself to England, grab a Bass draft, quaff it down on the walk to the park exit, and be on my way. As the Bass would have come in the generic red cup, no picture would be required. However, as I arrived at the outside stand in England, they had just ran out of red cups, and there was a small backlog of people waiting for the new batch to arrive. Thinking on my feet, I noticed that they still had clear cups, but weren’t allowed to serve beer in them. A Matlock like deduction led me to believe that they must be meant for the cider.

So, whilst the line lingered, I ordered what I believe was a Strongbow Cider. And SCORE, it was served in the clear cup, so no waiting. This was pretty darned good, and was certainly better than waiting for the red cup brigade to arrive with replacements. I took off, cider in hand, and finished it right before exiting the park (as you can’t take alcohol with you outside of Epcot). Summary: the cider was a light alternative to the typical beer served here, and was surprisingly good.

RECAP: Mission accomplished, despite the afternoon break. This adventure costs less than $90 per person, and while intimidating in appearance, it really wasn’t that bad. I found some of the offerings to have almost no alcohol taste (Mexico, China), and if you consider the beer amounts, I never got as toasted as I had feared would happen. Still, I wasn’t feeling any pain after my first phase of this experience right before my afternoon break, and the combination of numerous alcoholic drinks takes a bit of getting used to while settling in your stomach. If I had to do it again, I would stay away from the Carlsberg, the Italian margarita, and probably get something different in Japan and Morocco, but over all, I think I tried a good sampling of what the different countries in World Showcase have to offer. One goal achieved! Now, on to the next adventure…………….