Cruising on an Airboat, a Yacht, and Some Darvocet ... Part II: The Yacht

August 23, 2008 - Thurston and Lovey Cruise the Intercoastal Waterway

We had just enough time to wash our faces and change clothes before scurrying back downstairs to the lobby to catch a ride for our next excursion ... a two-hour cruise on the company's newest (yeah, I said newest) yacht.

We snapped another self portrait before leaving the room:

Time to mingle with masses ...


Speaking of the room, this seems like a good time to talk a bit about our accommodations. We were housed in the oldest section of the resort - the Cloister - which is the original hotel that opened in 1926 with 100 guest rooms. It's nice, but in my opinion it's the public rooms and exterior that have been given the most loving care and upkeep over the years. As soon as we entered the wing where the guest rooms were located I noticed a slight mildewy odor. The carpets were stained in some areas, there were visible cracks in the walls and ceilings in some hallways, and the elevators were downright scary.

Our room was actually quite large, but seemed like it was missing some furniture. There was the bed, two nightstands, a desk, and then vast open space until the television and minibar showed up at the opposite end of the room. Jay and I think that this must have been a converted storage room or a suite that might have been split into two single rooms because the layout was so odd. The room was OK, but not nearly as nice as I had envisioned and it was obviously old and in need of some repair work, especially in the bathroom areas.

You may be wondering about the view since we were staying at such a lavish resort with extensive grounds. We were located on the cloister's third floor so I was hoping for a nice expanse of garden or maybe even the pool when I pulled the curtains back from the window.

Take a gander at our view ...

View from the left window ...


View from the right window...


There was a moment of stunned silence and then I turned to Jason and asked, "Who'd you piss off?"

We both had a good laugh at our own expense ... we travel all the way to south Florida for an exotic weekend at an historic, luxury resort and end up with this kind of view. This must be what happens when you're at the bottom of the anniversary celebrant totem pole - bwaaaahahahahaha! We quickly closed the curtains and left them closed for the duration of our stay.

Jay and I made our way down to the main lobby and milled about with other employees who were going to be taking the yacht tour with us. There was a bit of a transportation snafu because we couldn't all pile onto a tour bus to get to our destination - they had to line up a bunch of passenger vans to transport everyone in smaller groups. I had mistakenly thought that the yacht was moored at a marina somewhere, but it turned out that we were going to board the yacht at the owner's personal pier / boat dock directly on the Intercoastal Waterway.

While we waited for the transportation issues to be worked out Jay and I wandered the lobby and took a couple of pictures. This first one was taken from the back area of the lobby looking towards the front doors where everyone was waiting for a ride to the yacht.



A view through an archway into a conference area where the evening's festivities were going to be held.



A nice quiet little seating area...



Check out this stone pillar as I do my lazy Vanna White impersonation ...



We wandered back up front and noticed that they were loading the vans so we joined the queue, jammed ourselves into an 8-passenger van, and were whisked away on a 20-minute drive to the private dock. Imagine our surprise when we arrived and found a police officer verifying ID and checking names off the guest list. I wondered: do gate-crashers get hauled off to jail in south Florida?

The Gallant Lady is a 168-foot yacht and was just commissioned last year - it was so big that we couldn't get the whole thing into a single camera frame because we were so close.

We have got to get ourselves one of these!


The boarding process was a little slow because each person had to stop and be formally greeted by the company president - this is where those obnoxious name tags came in handy, otherwise the poor man wouldn't have known who he was talking to.

"Hello..." President squints and stares directly at name tag "... Jason. Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"Hello..." President squints and stares directly where a name tag should be only to find it's not there and he's gawking at my not-very-gawk-worthy chest "...Jason's guest. Welcome."

We were then directed to smile pretty as a professional photographer hired for the occasion took a picture of us at the entrance to the yacht's main level. I don't know what happened to those pictures ... Jay said there's been no mention of them at the office and to the best of our knowledge they weren't available later in the evening. I'm a little bummed about this because there were a couple of shots he took of us during the tour that I would love to have and he took a few more at the reception that evening that I'd also like to get my hands on. Oh well, I'm sure they've already been relegated to Top Secret File 13-T.

We followed the crowd down a long hallway with gleaming wood paneling and marble floors until we emerged into a large family room ... no, a drawing room ... uh, no ... a wealthy person's room? Yeah, definitely a wealthy person's room. Hand-made seamless carpet, walnut and eucalyptus paneling, broad picture windows extending the length of the room, and a spiral staircase leading to guest rooms on the level below.

No amount of watching Travel Channel episodes of Super-Yachts and Luxury Mega-Yachts and You'll Never Have a Yacht as Big as Mine could have prepared us for the actual experience of walking onto this yacht and being treated as a valued guest. It was jaw-dropping and unreal; I began to feel as though Jay and I were Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel and his trashy wife Brandine paying a visit to rich Uncle Moneybags.

Since I really don't have the words to adequately describe this yacht, the first thing I'm going to do is give you some information taken directly from a fact sheet that we were given. The Gallant Lady is 168 feet long and it was launched in November 2006. It holds 19,100 US gallons of fuel and 4,400 US gallons of water; its top speed is 15 knots, cruising, and its range is 4,200 nautical miles - it has the capability to make transatlantic voyages and it has worldwide satellite communications. The exterior decks are all teak; the carpets are custom-made by Edward Fields (he makes the carpets for the white house - they're totally seamless); there are seventeen different granites and marbles and four different exotic woods that have been used extensively throughout the yacht's rooms; and last but not least it has a four-person glass elevator extending two decks - it's wrapped by a free-floating spiral staircase, has a marble inlaid floor, and a view out the two-story windows in the atrium.

The crew were offering guided tours of the yacht but before we could take advantage of the offer of one, a bunch of other folks jumped ahead of us. Eh, that's alright ... the big whigs hosting the afternoon told us we could go anywhere we wanted, so Jay and I decided to give ourselves a tour so that we could gawk in relative privacy. We took a fair number of pictures that don't do justice to the incredible beauty of this ship but I hope they'll give you a glimpse into what we were so fortunate to experience.

This first picture is of a portion of the main deck, aft of the drawing room that we first entered upon boarding the yacht. It was huge and had a gorgeous inlaid wood table that could seat up to 8 people for a meal. The deck also had built-in seating with deep, comfy cushions - I could have curled up back there with a darvocet and a good book and whiled away the rest of the afternoon.



We wandered back inside and decided to move to another level, taking the spiral staircase from the main level to the Owner's Deck. For a moment I felt like we shouldn't be barging into the Master Suite ... I mean, it is someone's bedroom and that's a private place, but one of the big whigs suddenly popped in and told us to wander freely and oooooh and aaaaaaaah to our heart's content. Well, you don't have to tell me twice!

I would love to have a master suite like this at home, let alone on a yacht! This space was stunning ... awash with bright yellows and gold, light wood, and plenty of natural light from the windows. For all that it was such an elegant setting it felt very warm and welcoming; there was nothing formal or stuffy about it at all. This room also had an unbelievable bathroom, and a private aft deck with a small dining area and a whirlpool.

First up ... the master suite.



This next picture is a shot looking directly down the bathroom hallway. The bathroom was huge and included dressing areas, wardrobes, his-and-her toilets, a walk-in shower, and a solarium with a pantry. There was extensive use of golden marble, warm, light wood, and etched, color-changing glass accents. We only took the one picture because we both felt sort of weird taking pictures of a bathroom, even if it was larger and more expensive than our house.



Another picture of the master suite and a view out of the windows...



The whirlpool on the owner's private deck.



This deck also had plenty of built-in seating and these nooks were so comfortable, so deep, and so plush that I promptly decided I'd rather stay here with a different good book and another darvocet for the length of the cruise and maybe even for the rest of my life. Just forward the mail and ship my laptop via Federal Express ... I can work from anywhere as long as I have access to a secure broadband network.

That big whig guy who I think was following us around to make sure that we didn't stow away in a closet or steal a priceless family heirloom offered to take a picture of Jay and me lounging on the owner's deck. Look at how deep these built-in cushie areas are!



We lounged back there for a little while and then decided to go back inside to cool off and finish our exploration. Taking yet another staircase, Jay and I found ourselves standing in the middle of the wheelhouse on the bridge deck. Poking around all that technical navigational stuff was fascinating and perching in one of the captain's chairs was really cool, but led to a fundamental question ... who the hell is steering the yacht since we're moving and no one's here but us???



Turns out there's a fifth deck called the Fly-Bridge and the captain or whatever he's called was guiding our passage from up there. We know this because we ultimately made our way up to check it out, but pictures of that will be coming later. Jay and I were distracted by an empty lot which we're seriously considering purchasing as soon as we find a spare $5 million under our sofa cushions. It backs to the Intercoastal Waterway but look beyond the far treeline and you can see the Atlantic Ocean. That's some prime real estate baby, and the former owners thoughtfully left a tree behind to help with future landscaping needs.



Here's a picture of the Gallant Lady's bow, where many of us hung out to enjoy the scenery and the breeze. This is located on the yacht's main deck - directly behind it is the dining room.



When we first walked into the dining room ... er, dining salon, sorry ... it sort of reminded us of pictures we've seen of various rooms in the White House. It has a bit of a presidential feel, don't you think?



It's not the best picture ... it doesn't really give a good idea of just how large the space is or how panoramic a view is provided by all those windows that look out over the bow. The table can expand to seat up to fourteen guests, the ceiling above the table is coffered, and the hand-made carpet is sky blue with gold-colored accents.

From here we wandered to the lowest level of the yacht - the aft section of this level is where the guest rooms are located while the crew's quarters are located forward on the same deck. Oh yeah, the crew ... the Gallant Lady has a crew of 14 - I'd like to know how to become their cruise director / menu planner. Does anyone here know where I should send my resume'?

Let me tell you about the guest rooms ... there were four of them and they all opened up to a fabulous foyer with lots of marble and gorgeous wood paneling. The bedrooms were mirror images of each other, the only difference being that two rooms held twin beds and two rooms held queen beds. Each room had its own luxurious bathroom with massive amounts of marble, even in the showers. I thought these rooms were cozy and comfortable ... I even tried out the furniture in case I needed a nap later in the day. ;-)




All this relaxing and casual elegance was making us hungry so we went back upstairs to the main salon in the hopes of finding some hoovers doovers to munch on. Success!! We found a newly delivered platter of sushi ... mmmm, California Rolls!



It didn't seem like too many of our fellow cruisers were sushi fans, the end result being that Jay and I probably demolished half of this tray on our own. We thought it was really tasty - those other people don't know what they were missing.

Various crew members were circulating the entire time with platters of hot, yummy snackables. We really didn't have a chance to take pictures of them, in part because we didn't want to get in anyone else's way but also because those people were like a swarm of locusts every time a crew member showed up with a tray. Jay and I tried to do the polite thing and hang back, waiting for the tray to come to us, but we lost our patience when a particularly tasty tray of raspberry brie puffs stopped at a couple standing right next to us - there were just two puffs left and rather than do the courteous thing and take one and leave the other for us, they took both of them and wandered off. The crew member was left holding an empty tray for Jay and me to admire; he aplogized but it wasn't his fault - he can't stop people from being inconsiderate.

Eventually we moved to a different area of the yacht and then suddenly all these crew members started materializing with full trays of food. We hit the hoover doovers jackpot! So let me think ... what did we get to try? Here's a list: warm brie topped with raspberry and wrapped in a puff pastry (so effing good); deep fried artichoke hearts stuffed with cream cheese; 'lil pigs-in-a-blanket; lobster spring rolls; mini crab cakes; bacon wrapped scallops; mini quiches (bacon, spinich, cheese); shrimp toasts; bruschetta; chicken waldorf; fresh fruit and veggies; sesami chicken. There was also a selection of desserts: chocolate creme puffs; canoli; mini fruit tarts; chocolate coconut truffle - we think that there were probably more desserts, but we spent the last part of the trip seated at the very top of the yacht where the captain was steering and missed out on some additional sweets.

Speaking of the very top of the yacht ... the Fly-Bridge ... here's a picture we took looking out over the back of the yacht from a built-in love seat. We loved sitting up there ... the views were spectacular and the breeze was very refreshing and the crowd was small so it was quite peaceful.



This is the front of the Fly-Bridge, where you can see the covered seating area and the captain's chair.



From our vantage point on the Fly Bridge, we were able to gawk at all the incredible homes lining the Intercoastal Waterway. Look at this one ... yeah, one. It was so large that we had to take two pictures.




This is the drawbridge that had to be raised and lowered and raised and lowered all day long for the Gallant Lady to make her voyage.



These next three pictures are of the home of the family that owns the company, as well as their boathouse and the yacht's dinghy.





This is another view of the Intercoastal Waterway from the back of the yacht.



Here are a couple of pics of Jay and me practicing our "how do you like our yacht" poses.




More pictures of homes that we will never be able to afford ...






This is a picture that was taken just before security pulled us kicking and screaming from the yacht ... Jay and me posing in the Fly-Bridge, wishing with all our hearts that we could stay forever.



So, what did we think? That was absolutely one of the coolest things we've ever had the chance to do. But it was also a little depressing. I mean, I've always suspected that the other half lives pretty high off the hog but now I've got actual confirmation from personal experience. Until this moment I never really believed that ignorance was bliss. ;-)

We climbed back into the vans and headed back to the resort so that we could clean up for the big fancy dinner the company was hosting that night. Along the way Jay and I wondered aloud what we were doing wrong in our lives that we weren't, as yet, able to afford a yacht. We determined that since neither of us were members of the lucky sperm donor club (people who are in line to inheirit lots of money), and neither of us were so career driven that we stood to earn lots of money on our own, the only choice left us was to win a very, very, very large Powerball jackpot.

C'mon lucky numbers!!!

Cruising on an Airboat, a Yacht, and Some Darvocet...Part I: The Airboat

August 23, 2008 - Come and Get It Applies to Wildlife as Well as People!

The wake-up call came bright and early at 7AM just like we asked, but it was still tough to get out of bed. However, if we wanted to have some food before heading off to tour the Everglades we had to get up "early" and start moving since the bus for the airboat excursion was scheduled to leave at 8:30AM.

Jay's company provided everyone with pre-paid tickets for the restaurant of their choice to cover breakfast during each day of the trip - we thought the buffet was the easiest and tastiest option for us considering that we were on a schedule that morning. We headed downstairs to a place called the Cathedral, where a breakfast buffet was served daily from 7AM - 11:30AM. The Cathedral is located in the resort's main building, called the Cloister, and it's a massive dining room with vaulted ceilings, picture windows looking out into the marina, and fancy schmancy stonework and tile. It was absolutely stunning.

Too bad I can't say the same thing about the buffet.

They had a nice selection, I'll give them that; it included scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, pastries, bagels, cereals, eggs benedict, smoked salmon, fruit and yogurt, and an omlette station. There were also these cordial glasses brimming with strange looking, thick liquid ... one set of glasses were filled with a sort of a burnt orange concoction and the other was filled with dark green sludge that reminded me of Polyjuice Potion. No signage was provided to enlighten the dim among us as to what these little treats were - on a different day we might have been tempted to give them a try, but when you know you're leaving civilization behind for a few hours the last thing you want to do is ingest something that will induce acute spastic colon. Mud butt is unpleasant enough in the comfort and privacy of your own home, gawd only knows how miserable it would be on a charter bus or in the middle of the Florida Everglades.

Ahem.

So, what were those things anyway?

Turns out they were vitamin shooters ... thick, stinky, gacky and good for you, too!!!

We started out with some fruit and yogurt parfaits (or as Grimace calls them ... barfaits) - strawberry for me and blueberry for Jay. These were both really good, just the right mix of plain yogurt, fruit puree, and fresh fruit. If I weren't so lazy I'd make these at home.

That's a parfait ... not a barfait!

I decided to keep my breakfast simple since I wasn't all that hungry. I rarely wake up with an appetite; for some reason my stomach takes a lot longer to wake up than the rest of me. I ended up with cold and runny eggs and a very dried out miniature croissant. The bacon was good, though - not too crisp and not too soft.

Two out of three is unacceptable!

Jay and I also shared a plate of breakfast pastries, including a chocolate croissant in honor of our DIS-friend Cass, who loves her some chockie croissants! Moving in a circle around the plate, starting with the chocolate offering, there was also a fruity scone, and a cherry / cheese danish type thing. All three were disappointing - even though it was fairly early in the morning and the buffet had only been serving for about 30 minutes these were all dried out. Maybe my tastebuds were off because of the antibiotics I was taking, but I was not impressed.

Breakfast pastries ... they look better than they taste.

Jay's breakfast selection was much more interesting than mine. Although, had the eggs benedict been offered sans sauce I would have eaten those. But pre-made eggs Benedict Arnold with congealing holland days sauce does not appeal to me or my parasitic tummy twin. Jay also had some snausages, salmon, corned beef hash, and taters, Precious. We also had some orange juice that was so full of pulp I think we could have made paper from it and some just adequate coffee. All in all a pretty mediocre breakfast - long on presentation and short on taste. If we had paid money for this meal I would have been annoyed, but since someone else was paying for it I was relatively indifferent.

A Plate full o'stuff,

On our way out we stopped to take a few pictures of the restaurant - you'll see that it's aptly named.

Wow!

Did I already say wow!?

Pretty impressive, isn't it? I just wish the food had been better. In our experience breakfast buffets are usually the most reliable of all buffets, but this one was a letdown. Maybe the South Florida crowd doesn't like to eat ...

We made our way to the hotel lobby where we found the tour bus parked out front. After checking in with the guide, Jay and I climbed aboard the bus and headed for seats in the back again. I just don't understand why everyone wants to crowd together up at the front of the bus, it must be my anti-social personality, but I like space. Lots and lots of space.

While we waited for the rest of the group to show up so that we could get started, Jay and I took the obligatory "we were here" self-portrait.

Here's hoping we don't get lost or eaten alive on this tour!

And since it was such a lovely morning and such a great view, we snapped a picture of the fountain that sits directly in front of the hotel's lobby area.

Pretty!

That's a damn clear shot for being snapped through the bus window! A few minutes later the tardy ones made an appearance and we were on our way. It took about an hour to drive to our destination - along the way we noticed that one side of the highway was populated with the standard businesses and homes that you'd expect to see anywhere while the opposite side of the highway was nothing but swampy, undeveloped land stretching as far as the eye could see. We couldn't help but wonder if the mutant mosquitoes who obviously reside here kidnapped small pets or children to satisfy their appetite for blood.

In almost no time at all we arrived at the Everglades Holiday Park. The guide was handing out little bottles of water to everyone as they left the bus, but Jay and I are savvy Florida travelers and we'd brought our own massive bottle of water that the hotel provided in the room free of charge. And speaking of savvy, please tell me why there were women on this excursion wearing strappy little sandals and pounds of makeup?

We're touring a bug and critter infested no-man's land, not meeting for a freaking garden party!

I am as vain as the next woman ... I always want to look as good as possible, but I'm usually too lazy to put in the three hours of effort that it requires. My natural inclination towards slothfulness is aided and abetted by tropical weather - my motto is pull the hair back and slather on some sunscreen because it's going to be hot, humid, and sticky.

I actually asked one woman, the wife of someone I used to work with way back when, why she thought so many woman were wearing makeup and dressed so impractically for a swamp tour. She told me that for herself, she didn't want to make her husband look bad.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

As long as I don't fart or belch in public I figure I'm practically a trophy wife.

I just can't get my head around what she said and I feel kind of sad for her that she would even think something like that. I dress for the situation ... there is a time and a place for makeup and the perfect coiffure ... gatorland isn't it.

So in conclusion, ladies, dress for your own comfort when visiting the natural beauty that is the Everglades and leave the fashion statement for the cocktail hour or the company yacht, OK?

There were two airboats waiting for us - they each held about 20 people - and were open on the sides with a cover on top stretching the length of the boat. Jay and I were the last to climb aboard our boat, and as luck would have it, had the entire back row to ourselves so we could move easily along the length of the seat and take pictures from both sides of the boat.

The back-side of an airboat...

Smile, this may be the last your family sees of you!

Once everyone was situated we pushed off and were on our way ... we looked back and snapped a picture of the dock as the boat moved further and further away from civilization.

When last seen our fearless crew were taunting an alligator ...

Our guide directed our attention to a grove of trees in the far distance and informed us that was our next destination. He then fired up the motor and we were off! Holy crap that motor was loud!!!

Check out our wake,

The boat slowed as we neared the trees so that we could scan the marsh for hidden wildlife. Our guide advised us that alligators are actually quite territorial and once they claim a certain area as their own that's where they spend much of their time. And no sooner had he spoken these words then we drifted right past one lurking in the high grass. He was so well camouflaged that we almost missed the picture.

Lurking....lurking...lurking....

We really weren't sure what to expect when it came to wildlife in the Everglades, especially the alligators; since it's such a vast area we thought our chances of seeing any more gators would be pretty slim, but before we knew it we saw one swimming towards the boat. We must have all looked really tasty because this guy followed us around for quite some time.

Look out - he's coming to getcha!

Eventually our gator buddy grew tired of waiting for someone to dangle a limb out over the water and he left us. We headed back through the sawgrass and lily pads in search of other wildlife. Sawgrass, by the way, is aptly named - our guide stopped to break off a piece and let everyone pass it around ... if you ran your hand from the bottom up to the top, it didn't feel any different from your standard blade of grass, but if you tried to run your hand from the top down to the base, you could feel the saw-like ridges all along the sides. It definitely would be easy to get cut up pretty bad by that stuff if you had to wade/crawl through it.

There were many other pictures that we took along the way but I'm only going to post a few more, otherwise this segment would never end! The Everglades were gorgeous and awe inspiring and maybe even a little scary ... it was way too easy to see how someone could get lost out there and never be heard from again.

Endless ...

Sawgrass - ouch!

Little flowers ...

Back on dry land we poked around the small picnic / waiting area and discovered more wildlife wandering through the parking lot and outside the gift shop. They were obviously used to having lots of people around to admire them.

Peacock!






All in all it was a fun morning ... great weather, good company, and we were stalked by an alligator! Jay and I agreed that we would definitely like to do something like this again some day. Once we arrived back at the resort there was just enough time for us to pop into the company's hospitality room and pick up even more gifts (a 14k lapel pin for Jay and a really cool custom beach bag with towels, baseball hats, and all kinds of beach necessities like lip balm, sunscreen, aloe vera lotion, etc.) before we ran upstairs to change clothes for our next excursion: cruising on the company yacht!!!

Stay tuned for Part II ... where we'll see firsthand how the other half of the other half lives and wonder out loud why we can't live that way too!

This Storm Should Have Been Named Fey ... Part II

August 22, 2008 - Weathering the Storm, Whiling the Time, and Wishing for a Non-Stop Flight on Southwest Airlines.

We knew enough to know that our flight from Atlanta to Ft. Lauderdale was going to be a bumpy one, but it never occurred to either of us that our arrival would be delayed or that our flight would be diverted. Jay and I have been fortunate over the years to never suffer with a travel delay; well, except for that one time we traveled to Vegas with the Grimace but we never speak of that ...

I thank Southwest Airlines and lots of non-stop flights for our good travels over the years ... that, and plain dumb luck.

Welcome to the afternoon when our luck ran out.

The flight took off on time and while we waited for the plane to reach cruising altitude, I passed the time by paging through SkyMall Magazine. I love SkyMall ... they always have something utterly ridiculous that never fails to crank up my laugh-o-meter. And this time was no exception.

I came across a product called The Pet Peek, marketed as a clear, acrylic fence porthole for Fido so that he can always see if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. The product picture gave me a raging case of the giggles that escalated into a fit of the squeaks culminating in helpless tears. I'm sure most of the people on that plane thought I was insane and pitied Jay for being saddled with a travel-addled wife, but I ask ... what would you have done when confronted with this?

Dog Porthole!


Shortly after I managed to calm myself, our pilot announced that due to severe turbulence the crew would not be coming around the cabin to provide drink service. This didn't bother us too much since the flight was only supposed to last for about 90 minutes. Unfortunately, about an hour later our pilot then announced that because of severe storms in the Ft. Lauderdale area we were going to be in a holding pattern for about 30 minutes while waiting to see if the weather would clear enough for us to land. Twenty minutes later he announced that the weather still sucked (we could see that just by looking out the windows) and oh, by the way, we're running low on fuel so we're going to land in Fort Myers and gas up at the local Mobil Station.

I don't know about you, but when I'm in an airplane zipping along 30,000 feet above Mother Earth the last thing I want to hear is "we're low on fuel." It does not inspire confidence. I looked over at Jay and quoted my favorite line from this past season of The Next Food Network Star, "Down, down, down ... we're all going down."

Welcome to bustling Fort Myers where all of one plane is sitting on the tarmac and there's no gate agent and the airport auxiliary generator isn't working which means there will be no air conditioning while we wait to get the hell out of here. Initially we were told that no one would be allowed to de-plane because the pilot might be given clearance to take off and resume our flight at a moment's notice and it would take too long to get everyone back on the plane. But after thirty minutes of very stuffy waiting we were suddenly informed that we could get off the plane and stretch our legs but we were also advised not to stray too far from the gate since our window of opportunity to take off might be a small one and we would need to be able to depart quickly. The reason we were suddenly being allowed to de-plane is that the Fort Lauderdale airport had been shut down because of extremely bad weather and no one knew when it was going to open back up to traffic.

If I have a criticism of the Delta crew during our ... adventure ... it is this: three hundred people stuck on a plane with no air conditioning in South Florida and none of them have had anything to drink for at least two hours - it might have been a thoughtful and considerate gesture to provide the beverage service that was canceled during the flight. But by the time that light bulb went on for the crew and they started handing out little paper cups of water, half the passengers had shuffled off the plane and were lined up at a bar that just happened to be located directly across from our gate.

Jay and I by-passed the bar for a bathroom break and a couple of laps around the gate. The line at the bar stretched halfway back across the concourse walkway and I'm pretty sure every single one of those people were headed to the celebration in Boca Raton. We heard later from some of Jay's co-workers that the guy tending bar was a class-A dickhead who complained about having to wait on all of these people and subsequently served almost none of them because he was too busy grousing about having to do his job. Bad move on his part because all of these folks had vacation money to burn courtesy of the company and had Bartender Badittude just smiled and dispensed some alcohol to the best of his ability under less than ideal circumstances he probably would have been the recipient of some good tips.

Well, here's my tip for you, outraged reader: the next time you're in Concourse C at the Fort Myers International Airport give that surly guy tending bar at the Dewar's Clubhouse the one-finger salute. Besides, Dewar's doesn't produce single malt scotch ... their stuff is blended and everyone knows that blended whisky is crap, so you're not missing anything if you don't stop there anyway!

Look, it's our plane stuck at the gate in Ft. Myer ...


Jay poses in the concourse ... see the line at Dewar's?


A fortunate handful of people were able to cajole a glass of wine or a cup of beer from Surly McBeverage and had just settled down in the air conditioned comfort of the spacious seating area to enjoy their drinks when an announcement was made for everyone to re-board the plane. So we lined up and proceeded to ever so slowly make our way back on to the still stuffy and warm airplane. And then we continued to wait at the gate ... turns out the Ft. Myers airport only had one ground crew working and they were busy pushing another plane away from its gate. Jay and I started snickering at this point and I don't know who said it first, but one of us mentioned that it would sure be funny if just as we were getting ready to finally leave we found out that Ft. Lauderdale was being hit by more storms and their airport was closed again.

We waited about 15 minutes before the ground crew pushed the plane away from the gate ... as an interesting aside I learned that planes don't go in reverse. I never really thought about it before this never-ending travel day of discovery; I just knew that a plane had to get from the gate to the runway and if it can go forward and it can go up and it can go down, it seemed reasonable to assume that it could go backwards, too. Turns out I'm not only wrong but really funny, too.

So, we taxied out to the runway and were next in line to take off and then we sat ... and sat ... and sat some more. Our friendly neighborhood pilot suddenly announced that another batch of storms had rolled into Ft. Lauderdale and the airport was closed again. At this point Jay and I both started laughing because there wasn't much point in getting mad or upset and the entire situation was getting more and more ridiculous. Besides, if we started thinking about how it was approaching six o'clock and the cocktail party was just beginning and we were all obviously going to be late for dinner we probably would have started to cry, or at least I would have started to cry because my pain medication had worn off and I couldn't take another one without food or I'd end up hurling all over the cabin. We probably spent another 15-20 minutes waiting to take off and killed the time by making fun of the situation and snapping a self-portrait.

You two are having entirely too much fun for being stuck on an aircraft for nearly five hours.


Finally the plane started to move again and we took off, headed, so we thought, for our elusive final destination. Do you want to hazard a guess as to what happened next?

That's right.

It was time for another cockpit communique from our fearless, talkative pilot. Turns out there were a lot of planes trying to land at the Ft. Lauderdale airport at the same time and even though we were more than three hours behind our scheduled arrival time those other planes were going to be allowed to land before us. We were being diverted south, over the tip of America's wang, and out into the vast angry skies with nothing but the foamy, boiling ocean below to break our fall once we ran out of fuel. And considering the kind of afternoon it had been I fully expected the plane to crash or spontaneously combust or be commandeered by the Babies in Arms.

Actually, on our return flight north from the ocean back to Ft. Lauderdale we got a pretty good aerial tour of the Everglades and both Jay and I commented that we hoped the plane wouldn't nose-dive and crash down there 'cause it was one nasty looking, desolate place.

Believe it or not, we finally landed in pouring rain about 7PM that evening, almost three-and-a-half hours late. Oh, but no no no no no no!!!! We weren't late; we weren't even delayed! The airlines are allowed to classify any flight as "on-time" as long as the reason for its late-not-lateness is weather related. Wow - that's a sweet deal! I'm going to try that on my boss the next time I'm late for work because it's raining or snowing or a bridge over the Missouri River has collapsed.

"You're late."

"Oh, no; I'm not late. I'm the unfortunate victim of Mother Nature's capriciousness. In fact, you should be glad that I managed to get here at all and I think I deserve a 10% raise for making the effort. And by the way, I'm also implementing a fuel surcharge for my daily drive - you'll be getting a bill at the end of the week."

I'll be sure to let you all know how that works out for me.

We made our way down to baggage claim where the poor people from "Hello FL Tours" had no doubt been waiting for hours - they were hired by the company to handle transportation to and from the airport as well as transportation for the weekend excursions that were being offered. They tried to make things as easy as possible but let's face it, no one was really in a good mood at this point.

Jay grabbed our suitcase and tossed it on to one of the big ol' luggage carts that the transportation folks had gathered and then we were herded outside into the steamy FL evening to wait for the buses to show up. Why they weren't already waiting there for us is a question that falls into the answer / answerless category. Sometimes it's best just not to ask.

Eventually two massive touring buses pulled up to the curb and as soon as I saw our suitcase tossed carelessly into the yawning storage cavern of one of them Jay and I were boarding a bus faster than you can say "I feel like I'm at WDW." And thanks to years of Disney training we headed for the very back of the bus rather than crowding in with everyone else up front. As a result we were able to stretch out with lots of space and breathing room.

All Aboard!

Tired, but still smiling and cute!


We had a hair-raising ride in rain-slowed rush hour traffic that lasted about twenty minutes and then we arrived at the Boca Raton Beach & Yacht Club. Full kudos to the staff there who must have been alerted that 150 tired, greasy, sweaty, hungry, and thirsty Stinktowners were on the way to check-in. They must have had at least ten people behind the desk making the process as smooth and efficient as they could and within ten minutes were had a room key and were waiting in another line to nab the company welcome packet that included our itinerary for the weekend as well as an extra $75 in spending money from the company. Woo hoo! Somebody find us a bar!

The bar actually had to wait ... we wanted to find our room and change clothes and then get back downstairs to the picked over buffet. Since there really wasn't time to clean up neither one of us changed into the nice clothes that we had brought with us to wear for the first night's dinner. I admit to feeling very conspicuous showing up in a t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. And hey, Miss Blond Bombshell Who Was Perfectly Put Together And Giving My Ensemble The Giant Eyeball, you try traveling for 12 straight hours and looking as not unpresentable as I do!

We did not take any pictures of the food spread this first night - it was already past 8PM and the buffet was spread out over several tables in a very large ballroom. The last thing I wanted to do was disrupt anyone's attempt to get food, especially since some of those poor folks hadn't eaten during the Atlanta layover. The theme for the evening seemed to be a South Florida cook-out kinda thing ... they had glazed chicken boobs, braised beef, Cajun shrimp, strip steak, whole lobsters, tamales, weird vegetables, all kinds of salads mixed with all sorts of stuff, and a dessert table with a vast array of completely unappealing offerings that included key lime pie, black forest cake, some kind of triple chocolate dried out cake, and an unidentifiable purple something or other. Jay nabbed a bit of everything including a lobster that the staff shelled for him ... I tried some of it and it wasn't bad (I'm not a huge lobster eater), but I was actually at a point that I call "past the point of hunger." This happens to me sometimes when we travel ... if I don't eat when I first start to get the rumbly tummies I eventually get to a point where I'm no longer hungry, unbelievable though that may sound to those of you who have seen me eat. In this case I think my lack of appetite can be attributed to fatigue ... I was tired and my back hurt and none of the food was appealing and I really was tired of sitting. Wah Wah Wah!

We shared a table with some people that Jay knew and traded travel woe stories with them ... we found out that as annoying and frustrating as our day had been, there were still some employees from Mobile who hadn't arrived at the resort thanks to Fay. And the next day we discovered that three employees from Jacksonville who were all celebrating 35-year anniversaries with the company were unable to make the weekend at all thanks to that same fickle weather bitch that gave the rest of us so much trouble. That really put things in perspective - at least we made it and were able to take full advantage of the programming on Saturday. Luckily, company management promised that those three employees would be attending the anniversary celebration next summer and that they would all be compensated in other ways, as well. Generous, generous people ... not such a common thing in the corporate world these days.

Before heading back to our room for the night Jay and I strolled around the resort a bit - first we took this picture for our cruise friends on the DIS who all walked to the southernmost point of the US while they were in Key West last October. Jay's company brought the marker to Boca Raton and we were finally able to get a picture of it! OK, I know this isn't the real marker from Key West, but humor us ... we'd been up for something like 18 hours when we took this picture.

There's no mango margarita, but at least we didn't have to walk a mile in 95-degree heat to find this!

And we stopped in the lobby to take a picture of the massive stone fireplace. The silence and absolute absence of hotel personnel was stunning ... they probably all needed a break after dealing with that noisy herd of Stinktown business travelers.

Can we roast marshmallows tonight?


As we continued wandering around the hotel, which is very much reminiscent of a Spanish palace (not that I've ever seen one other than in my fertile imagination) we admired the architecture and the relaxed elegance of the furnishings. And then we happened across a little place right inside the marina called Bar Luna. It caught my eye because of the number of single malt scotches on display. I stopped to look at the menu and the bartender was very friendly and ended up having a scotch session with us for a few minutes as we debated what we would like to try. Once we decided on a personal favorite - the Macallan 12-year single malt - our friend Bill poured us each three shots of scotch and charged us for one. I mean he filled those glasses to the brim ... oh, Bill, you rogue! Of course we'll come back tomorrow night to try that other scotch, especially if you're going to be manning the bar.

The rain had finally stopped and although it was a very humid evening we thought it was lovely and sat ourselves on a bench overlooking the marina enjoying the fresh air and the silence, apart from the gentle clinking of ice cubes swimming in scotch. And then some noisy smokers turned up and we took that as our cue to head back to the room and wash the accumulated travel grime from Stinktown, Atlanta, Ft. Myers, and Ft. Lauderdale from our tired bodies. I have a bad habit of always reading the room sevice menu and when I saw that they had a kobe beef burger available I suggested to my lovey hubby that if he ordered one while I was taking a bath I'd give him half!

Their room service staff must not have had much to do that evening because the order showed up really quickly and before long Jay and I were perched at the foot of the bed watching the Olympics and munching on a Kobe Beef Burger with Farm House Cheddar Fondue and Fries.

A Table just for two ...

Mmmmmm, nothing like a late night burger with your scotch and your darvocet!


This was a really tasty burger and the cheese spread was good, although it had the consistency of mashed potatoes in my opinion. The fries were hot and crispy and while I confess myself disappointed to see that our condiment selection included ketchup, mayonnaise, and dijon mustard but not cheap yellow mustard, that cheese spread was quite good with the fries!

All in all a yummy end to a very long day. We called it a night soon afterwards, knowing that the day ahead of us was going to start early and be chock full of new experiences.