Happy 40th Birthday Hubba ... I Wanted You to Have a Memorable Evening but This is Ridiculous!Let's recap, shall we?
There was much smacking of lips, oooohhhhing and aaaahhhhing, and general squirming with delight ... at Skeletor's table.
As for the rest of us ... Jay was snickering; I was shocked; the couple seated at the table behind Jay was staring open-mouthed over his shoulder; and our entire serving team was standing in the doorway, whispering frantically to each other.
I made eye contact with one staff member and gestured slightly toward Skeletor as if to ask, "What are you going to do about
that?"
Her response was a shoulder shrug; obviously the staff didn't know how to react when confronted with guests who interpreted the term "food porn" in such a literal fashion. I really wanted to request that we be moved to another table but as you may recall from my first post, there was nowhere else for us to go because the restaurant was completely full. There was nothing left to do but try to make light of the situation, so I turned to Jay and said, "I expect this kind of behavior at Universal, but not at Walt Disney World! Oh, wait ... we're in Vegas; nevermind."
Jay's response: "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless we happen to be in the room to witness it!"
Luckily another course was delivered to distract us from the Skeletor peep show - and the arrival of serving staff in the room seemed to be enough to pry the two lovebirds away from each other and remind them that they were in a public place. Our newest food offering was sea scallop a la plancha with kumquat, but to quote our server, "don't eat the kumquat; it's just there to make the plate look pretty."
And who needs a kumquat anyway when you have a plump, perfectly prepared scallop in a wee bath topped with tender asparagoose?
La Noix de Saint-Jacques
It was about this time that things really started to spiral out of control at the table behind me, if you can even believe such a thing was possible. I did not see what happened, but between what I heard and what Jay saw, the meltdown transpired as follows:
A plate of food was delivered to Skeletor's keeper. The server then placed an empty plate in front of Skeletor - this is common practice at The Mansion, where a fresh plate is laid down for each guest with the delivery of a new course regardless of whether everyone at the table is receiving food. There was a moment of silence and then a shrill voice rang out, "Well, what am I supposed to eat?"
The server explained to Skeletor that she had not ordered anything for this particular course, unlike her companion, but they would be happy to bring her something if she wanted to place an additional order.
"I'm starving!"
Again, the server tried to explain that because she hadn't ordered for this course there wasn't anything for them to bring her. And because of the way that a la carte meals were paced, her next selection wasn't ready to serve.
"But I'm fucking starving!!"
Your eyes and comprehensive abilities did not fail you, gentle reader ... Skeletor dropped the F-bomb right there in the middle of one of the most prestigious restaurants in the entire US-of-A. Now, I am no paragon of ladylike behavior nor am I an etiquette expert; on occasion I have been known to curse like a sailor on shore leave who finds himself in a dry town, but I do know how to comport myself based on my surroundings, as do most people over the age of ten.
Perhaps at this point in the tale you find yourself wondering how Skeletor's keeper was occupying himself during the food crisis being experienced by his precious? Like me, you may cherish a secret hope that he will step forward and muzzle his dog by stuffing a nine-grain roll down her bony throat. Had he possessed that kind of moxy, Jay and I would have made it our business to commission him a special edition bottle of Cabernet-Montrachet from the winery of his choice. Much to our disappointment, however, he didn't say a word but instead concentrated on eating his food ... without offering to share a single bite with her.
Meanwhile, Skeletor continued to moan about her hunger pangs, punctuating each dramatic pronouncement of starvation with louder and louder usage of the F-dash-dash-dash word to ensure that the rest of us knew of her displeasure. When a staff member returned to their table to clear the plates, the keeper finally demanded to speak with a manager because the level of service they had thus far received was "completely unacceptable."
I really felt bad for the manager and the serving staff, who had done absolutely nothing wrong. The manager listened to their complaints, which amounted to no more than "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm starving ..." and "The food is taking too long to be served ..." and "Everyone else in here is getting food ..." followed by, "What is she supposed to do with an empty plate anyway?"
Then after apologizing to Skeletor and her keeper for the experience being less than they wanted and expected, the manager offered to bring them their bill so that they could settle up and leave for a more acceptable destination. That, it turns out, was the wrong suggestion.
"Do you know who we are? Do you know how much money we have? We stay at places like the Four Seasons all the time! We travel all over the world and have never been treated this poorly! We won't be paying for anything - you should comp us for all the trouble we've had here tonight!"
The manager merely shrugged at them, turned on his heels, and left the room. To say that the atmosphere was uncomfortable at this point in the evening was a gross understatement. All the other couples seated in the fake garden room had ordered the tasting menu just like we had, and food was making regular appearances at their tables accompanied by nasty commentary from Skeletor, who, as she loudly reminded us, "WAS FUCKING STARVING!!!"
I could feel the waterworks building; we had planned this night for nearly two years - had saved for it and looked forward to it as a truly special, spectacular way to celebrate Jay's 40th birthday and instead it was falling apart thanks to some skanky, classless bimbo and her totally whipped boy-toy. The tears were just about ready to fall when the moment was saved by the delivery of a completely unexpected food course and a very clever waiter.
During our third course I had neglected to eat the soup component because it was super-dooper shroomy. While clearing the dishes this gentleman inquired about my full bowl: "Did you not enjoy it?"
I didn't want to make a fuss (unlike some people) and simply told him that I didn't really care for mushrooms. He offered to say something to the chef and bring me a different selection but I told him it wasn't necessary - there were plenty of other courses still to come and I would have more than enough to eat by the time our meal was concluded.
And that was the end of it; or so I thought until he showed up with a bowl of creamed tofu and asparagus topped with caramelized eel. He placed an empty plate in front of Jay and the bowl in front of me and then said, in a voice no doubt designed to carry to Skeletor's table, "The chef made this especially for you to replace the morel broth that you didn't care for. It's very important to all of us that our guests have the best experience possible when dining at The Mansion and we know this is a very special evening for the two of you."
Jay looked down at his empty plate, glanced at my bowl, and then said to the waiter, "Well, what am I supposed to eat?"
For the briefest moment the poor man froze in place, and then he realized that Jay was poking fun. He winked at us and said, "Enjoy with our compliments," before leaving the room.
From behind me I heard that shrewish voice again. "Why did
she get extra food? Why is everyone else getting food while we're sitting here with nothing? I'm starving! Fuuuuuhhhhck! This place is awful. I'm so hungry! Fuuuuuucccccck!"
I resisted the urge to turn around and stick my fork in her eye, and focused instead on the dish in front of me. It was a wonderful blend of flavor and texture and I offered the bowl to Jason, saying as loudly as possible, "You need to try this ... IT'S SOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!"
Jason agreed with me; it was a pretty amazing dish. And in all the excitement I managed to forget that it included eel, something I've never really liked. "Is this caramelized tofu? It's really good and the texture is so silky and tender ... it almost reminds me of a scallop."
I looked over at my husband to find him smirking at me. "What?"
"It's not tofu."
"Well, what is it?"
"It's eel."
"Really? The server said it was eel? Wow; this yucky is good!"
Creamy tofu with caramelized eel
The manager made a sudden re-appearance and there then ensued a loud, prolonged discussion about the bill with Skeletor's keeper. The end result was that he paid for something, all the while complaining that they'd received better food and service down the street at In and Out Burger. Skeletor and her lackey were then escorted from the fake garden and the restaurant. As they exited the room I started to clap and then Jay joined in with me - it probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to do, but I wanted them to know someone was happy to see them leave and appreciated the efforts of the staff to make them do so.
The restaurant manager then stopped at every table to personally apologize to each guest for the disturbance and for the length of time it had been allowed to continue. Jay and I were at pains to let him know that we had witnessed the entire spectacle and would be more than happy to provide a statement on behalf of him and his staff if they needed it. It's been our experience that people like Skeletor and her keeper get their asses kissed even when they're in the wrong while the blameless party usually gets shafted, and we wanted to do what we could to make sure that didn't happen in this instance. I don't know if he said something to the staff or if they overheard us talking with him, but for the rest of the evening it seemed like they couldn't do enough to make our meal as wonderful as possible.
The peace and quiet that descended on the restaurant after the departure of Skeletor and her keeper was delicious - there's just no other word for it. The evening grew calm and comfortable from this point forward, and it was just in time for our next grouping of courses: Les Crustaces, which included roasted lobster with green curry, coriander scented coral broth, and truffled langoustine ravioli with chopped cabbage.
Les Crustaces
La langoustine truffee et cuite en ravioli
Le homard roti au curry et fines graines de chou-fleur
Un the coralline parfume a la coriandre
The sad thing is that neither Jay nor I remember much of anything about this course; I'm sure Jay enjoyed all of it and I'm sure I enjoyed portions of it, but concrete impressions and memories seem to have been eclipsed by the floor show we'd witnessed earlier. Thankfully, the next course did make more of an impact: Les Fevettes, or savory scented fava bean veloute with sweet onion foam, was creamy and delicious. I'm not a big fan of fava beans (with or without a nice chianti) but if they were served like this all the time I think I could see my way clear to eating them more often!
Un fin veloute soyeux a la sarriette sous un voile d'oignon doux
The beanie goodness within!The next course to show up at our table was number nine, if you happen to be keeping track. This was Le Foie Gras: duck foie gras and young bamboo shoots in green cabbage. I feel much shame admitting that I didn't care for this; I do love my meat butter, but only if it's seared and served with some kind of fruit. There was certainly nothing wrong with this dish but it just wasn't to my personal taste. Lucky Jay ended up with double the foie gras!
En Papillote de chou vert aux jeunes bambous
Who buried my meat butter?
Before I close this installment I should give you the final dirt on Skeletor and her keeper, which we found out after our dinner was over and we were being escorted back to the limo. They apparently were trouble from the moment an MGM gold limo was sent to pick them up at their hotel - they made the driver wait an extra 45 minutes until they were ready and so were late for their dinner reservation. Jason and I suspected, and this was also confirmed, that Skeletor and her man were higher than a kite as well as drunk off their respective asses. One reason it took so long to get them out of the restaurant was that management had to alert hotel security, which was waiting for them after their expulsion from the dining room. We don't know how their story ended but I'm sure if they were as wealthy as they wanted the rest of us to believe, things turned out just fine for them. They are probably ruining a dinner somewhere even as I type ... perhaps the French Laundry or the Inn at Little Washington.
Coming soon ... part three, which will include dessert, more dessert, the candy cart, the cheese trolley, and a special birthday surprise for Jason!
